My Children II

When my wife asked me to find some money  to payback the sum she owed from her friends, my mind suddenly becomes empty, I don't know from who or where  was I suppose to get that money from.
For so many times, she has told me, that she does not have the confident in me to raise the amount whenever she requested or need it, every time.
I became so use to it that every time it occured, I just do what ever I am suppose to do, ask here and there, each time I had a negative respond, I told her to be patient, and likewise, whenever she heard the quote, she will tell me that I was  no good, I don't really love her, because if I do, I would have not left her working her butt out to find the Dollar and cent alone, scolded and yeld at buy those people she promised, I ignore  the fact that she has been suffering, physically and mentally, now she is filled with heartache and frustration.
My Children, we have gone through depressions so many times, in which I have lost count.
I  missed so many of your birthdays and celebrations due to this unwanted conditions & situations.
I burst into tears remembering all those misfortunes , In the end, I just let it pass by, when I funally come to my senses , then only I realize, I am seventeen years too late
I was so relaxed, even my wife told me that I was doing nothing to change &  improve  our way of living.
She has given me so many chances to change but I did't take it seriously, up until the moment she threw me out of our house, out of her life. That was  two years back.
At that moment, time stood still, I felt that I have lost everything, my mind, my dignity, my self respect, especially my Ego and even my soul.
I have become unstable, with no intention even to find a job. I was completely lost.
Praise to Allah The All Mighty, He still grants me life, I am still breathing, that is His blessing, despite all my less, He provides me with health a clear conscience.
I never doubt the miracle of The Holy Quran and the Practice thought by The Holy Prophet, Peace Be Upon Him.   
My children, I am not writing this to  discredit anybody but my self, everyone's fate has been written in their own "Lauh Mahfuz"( The book of truth) long before they were brought into this world.
What I have gone through would not neccasarily be relevant to others.
My Children, these are my expereance, my life's path.
I regret it, I have repented and now I want to let it all go, I want to start all over....again...maybe I am late, I have missed the bus, but there was a say " better late then never", my journey was never that easy and believe me, yours too, you cannot deny it.
The hereafter is certain, we cannot deny it and we will be accountable for what ever deeds that we have done in this life, either good or bad, i don't want to wake up on judgement day only to be thrown in to Hellfire . I know I have given all my love, and care raising all of you, its only that we were destined for only a period of time allowed. I regard   it untill this very moment, Allah us my witness. If only I can bring back all the time that we have lost.
My Children, you all are the jewels of my life, I was blessed by your present and should be grateful and thanked Allah for His gracefulness.
Again, I bend on my knee asking your forgiveness for all my sins,
You will always be in my heart and all my never ending love.
When Allah's willing, we shall be united again, as a family.
I LOVE YOU NOR RADZIAH.
I LOVE YOU MUHAMMAD HAKEEM.
I LOVE YOU MUHAMMAD AIMRAN.
I LIVE YOU MUHAMMAD LUTFI ( Al Fatihah).
I LOVE YOU MUHAMMAD DZULHELMI.
I LOVE YOU MOHD ARIEF AIZUDEEN.
DANISH HAMDANI.
DAMIA HANANNI.